A Quarter Century

Let me first start by saying that I originally had intended on posting a lot of text that I had written previously about boring stuff that I did in training day in and day out last week, but as I sit here in a Starbucks in Visalia, CA (40 miles away from Sequoia National Park) I decided to change things up.

It's kind of funny that today I am a quarter century old and that today I came face to face with trees that are 25 centuries old. Just think- the trees that I saw today are 100 times older than I am. I think this is what prevented me from having a quarter life crisis today. Before I begin to tell you about the trees I saw today, I want to give you some facts about Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks so that you can appreciate all that I experienced today.

• Sequoia National Park was established in 1890 before the National Park Service was even established. It was the second national park ever, Yellowstone being the first. 
• 2015 makes the 125^th anniversary of Sequoia National Park and the 75th anniversary of Kings Canyon National Park.
• Kings Canyon National Park was originally General Grant National Park, but was expanded in 1940 and changed to Kings Canyon.
• Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks share the same border, so they are almost always referred to together.
•  Next year (2016) will mark the 100^th anniversary of the National Park Service. Prior to becoming part of the Department of the Interior, NPS was governed by the Army, which is why Sequoia National Park is older than the NPS we know now.
• Sequoia and King’s Canyon National Park are approximately 92% wilderness land, which means that the area most guests visit only makes up 6% of the park. Backpackers and backcountry workers are the only ones to travel into the wilderness.
• The General Sherman Tree (the huge tree that most people know Sequoia for) is the largest tree in the world and is approximately 2200 years old. General Sherman is located within the Giant Forest which is 6500 feet up on the Sierra Nevada mountain range. Within the groves that make up the sequoia groves there are over 200 giant trees.
•  Mt. Whitney, the tallest peak in the lower 48 continuous United States, is also part of Sequoia National Park; however, it is not visible from where I am because of the Great Western Divide.
• Many people think that there are sequoia trees that they can drive their cars through; however, that does not happen anymore because when you cut out the middle of a tree for a car to drive through, the tree is now dead and will fall. However, there is a fallen sequoia tree in the park that has a tunnel carved out of it.
• The original CCC boys- Civilian Conservation Corps- built numerous parts of the Sequoia National Park as well as Kings Canyon, including the iconic sequoia chief head sign that greets guests as they enter the park. (I like this fact because I just finished working for the California Conservation Corps, which is modeled after the Civilian Conservation Corps)

So there you have some basic facts about Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks. I'm sure I will pepper in other facts along the way, but for now I will leave it at those.

The meadow in the middle of the Big Trees Trail

This morning I woke up feeling no different than I did when I went to bed. This birthday was nothing special, I had no BFFs to spend it with, no family dinner waiting for me, no crazy party to attend late at night. I didn't have much of a plan, but I did have the day off so I felt it necessary to head up the mountain to finally check out the Giant Forest in person. As I made my way up the hill, around all 140 sharp turns, passing through several different climates, I couldn't help but realize what a huge smile I had on my face. Upon entering the Giant Forest, I was greeted by 4 mighty sequoias all in a row- these are referred to as the Four Guardsmen and are considered the official entrance into the Giant Forest. I drove a little further and parked my car in a lot where I had access to the great General Sherman tree. I walked about three quarters of a mile and was finally face to face with the General.

Can you see me?! And yes, that is snow!

It was truly incredible. There is no way to grasp the concept of how massive these trees are until you're standing next to one, dwarfed by the size of the gigantic trunk. I walked all around these huge trees, took many photos of other people who looked like ants next to the trees and continued to embrace the fresh, cool air. I made my way all around these trees, jumped back in my car and drove a little bit further. I finally made my way to the Giant Forest museum where I was able to sort of grasp the concept of just how large the trunk of these trees are.

"In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks" - John Muir

One exhibit in the museum said that if you planted a giant sequoia on the free way, it would take up at least 3 lanes of traffic. Another said something along the lines of, "if you feel like a mouse standing next to these trees, it's because you are. A 6 foot human looks up to a giant sequoia the same way a mouse looks up to a 6 foot human." THAT'S BIG. 

I walked around a bit more and then decided to head back down the hill. I was thinking about life and about those amazing trees on my drive when I turned the corner only to see a bear run onto the street and then hop over the fence onto back into the wilderness. YES A BEAR! It was unbelievable! What a way to start out my birthday!

That's me in front of a sequoia trunk!

As I sit here in this Starbucks thinking about my last 25 years of life and all the incredible adventures I have been able to have, I can't help but think about all of the incredible adventures those mighty sequoias have seen in their lifetime. Although I will most likely never live to be the age those trees are, I still plan to have adventures like they have had.

Tomorrow I will have my second day in the entrance station and although the work may not be the most adventurous, my time here in Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks will not be wasted. 25 started off on a high note and I plan to keep that enthusiasm for life as I embark on the next quarter century of my life- maybe I can learn a thing or two from the trees.

A New Adventure

About mid-April, before I finished my term of service with the California Conservation Corps, I accepted a position with Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Park. At the time, I honestly didn’t think I would go through with it. After all, I could see many more challenges with the position than I could the benefits. First, it would mean living 4 hours away from Sacramento for 4 and a half months. Why would I want to leave Sacramento when Dana is there and all I’m ever complaining about is that she is deployed on disasters for the better half of a year?! And here I am considering leaving her! Secondly, I would be paying rent for our apartment in Sacramento AND paying $200 out of my paycheck each month to live at the Park. Thirdly, it would mean that come the end of September, I’d be right where I was at so many other points of my life- searching for a job and getting very few calls back. There were some obvious pros to taking the job at Sequoia and I couldn’t really let those fall to the wayside. I’d be working in a National Park, something I had been very excited about since my trip to Yosemite last September. I’d be an official government employee, if even only temporary seasonal work. I’d be getting paid real money! And I’d be able to live at the Park, allowing me to take in as much of the natural landscape as possible.

So like I said, I accepted the position with little intention of following through. But alas, despite my best efforts and my numerous job applications submitted between December and the beginning of May, I was only ever interviewed and offered one position- with Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Park. It’s an entry level position, paying only slightly over the California minimum wage, and doing some not-so-glamorous work in the park. I’m not guiding tours nor am I working on maintaining the trails and sites of the park. I barely interact with the guests, spending an average of 30 seconds with each visitor, but it’s a job and it’s not permanent, so I think I can manage it. After all, this is coming from the girl who learned to love cutting and gutting fish for 40 hours a week.

On May 10^th, I packed up my Mini once again, said a long and sad goodbye to Dana, and headed down highway 99 towards Fresno, CA. The trip took about 4 hours total with only one stop for gas and a restroom. I headed east from Fresno, through Visalia, and into a tiny town called Three Rivers. I swear there is only one road in all of Three Rivers and if you keep following it, you’ll just come to an end at the Ash Mountain entrance station- my new duty station for the next 4.5 months.

Currently, I’m sitting in my “cabin” which is really more like a three bedroom ranch style house. There are two couches in the living room, a fully loaded kitchen that has two refrigerators, two bedrooms with twin beds, a bathroom, and one master suite (which I claimed!). There is a washer and dryer in the house, a two-car garage, and a deck with a picnic table out the back of the house. It’s a really nice place and I think I’ll really enjoy my time here, although not having a TV and Internet is certainly going to take some getting used to. I have one roommate right now, but she will be leaving in about a week to hike into the backcountry of Kings Canyon and spend the summer being a Wilderness Ranger. I should be getting other roommates, but I don’t really know anymore than that.

I’m sitting on one of the couches looking out of the window and in front of me is a tall peak pretty much covered in trees. Out the back window is a very similar sight. I’m very grateful and lucky for the position I have been given and I hope to make the most of this summer. I think that working a summer for the National Park Service will give me a good idea if this is the field I want to be in and will help me gain the experience necessary for continuing in this profession. And if not… well, at least I’ll have some stories to tell!

That feeling of anticipation...

Sometimes in life the future becomes overwhelming and it’s hard to focus on anything because you’re so nervous about what’s going to come next. Recently, (as in the past 2 years of my life) I have had this feeling pretty consistently. Whether it was searching for post-college employment or being in month 8 of FEMA Corps and still not having a Life After AmeriCorps plan solidified or sitting in Ripon, WI with no income and freaking out about how I am going to move to Sacramento with $130 in my bank account, this feeling of uncertainty in the future has been there. Giving me a knot in my stomach for the past few years, letting me know that I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life or else I will be forced to work at Whole Foods cutting up fish for the rest of my days.

Currently, I have this feeling again. I am 72 days away from being done at the California Conservation Corps. SEVENTY TWO DAYS AWAY. That is less than 3 months. That is a terrifyingly short period of time for me. TERRIFYING. As someone who likes to plan and plan to plan things, I am getting pretty nervous, but I’m trying to not stress about it. Everyone keeps saying that something will happen and I certainly hope they are right.

In the meantime, I have decided to start planning events, activities, anything that I can 100%, accurately plan. The feeling of having something solidified is so much better than the uncertainty, which is why I’m so excited for this weekend coming up.

Isn't that a good feeling? The feeling of anticipation before something really awesome happens? I realize that I shouldn't be wishing my life away and trust me, I am not. Wishing my life away would mean that those 72 days fly by quicker than they already are, but I’m just excited about this next coming weekend. I get excited when things go according to plan pretty easily, which means that when things don’t go according to plan, I stress about it easily. However, I know that this weekend is going to go exactly as planned because there is barely any plan! I also realize that I haven’t told you the events of this coming weekend, but that is because I am keeping some of it as a surprise for Dana and I know that she will read this!

Besides, this post is less about the events that are coming, it’s more about the feeling of having that plan. For me, it’s like preparing for a big trip and getting on the plane knowing that even the most mundane event like flying for 5 hours is awesome and that things can only go up from there.  OMG Okay I will tell!

DAY	EVENT
Friday 2/13	VISTA Regional meeting 12 pm- 4 pm All the Sacramento area AmeriCorps VISTAs get together and we get out of work early!
	Out of Bounds Brewery 5:30 pm Dana’s coworker has a Groupon to this new brewery nearby and invited us along!
Saturday 2/14	Point Reyes National Park There is a cool lighthouse there and it’s on the coast and we can see Redwoods!
	Surprise event that I’m not telling Dana about
Sunday 2/15	Sierra Nevada Brewery in Chico Dana got us reservations to do the brewery tour
Monday 2/16	I don’t think we have any plans set in stone, but we might try to take the train up to Old Folsom and then hike to see Folsom Prison

As you can see from the table above, we have some exciting events coming up. I just had this feeling of satisfaction knowing that things will fall into place and happen as they are supposed to this coming weekend. 

It’s sort of funny, isn't it? How I can feel so at peace with such minimal perimeters and yet for my future career I have the same minimal perimeters, but I’m freaking out. I hope that this next weekend is a theme for the next 72 days. Plan ahead for things that I can control and know that everything else will fall into place. If I keep sending my job applications, resumes, and cover letters out into the abyss while I’m still working hard here at the CCC, then everything else will happen naturally.

What I’m really getting at here is that I hope by April 15, I have the same sense of satisfaction and excitement for my future that I have right now looking at the weekend. That will happen, right? Right?!

What are you doing for others?

“Everybody can be great because everybody can serve."

–Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

(Like you didn’t see that coming..)

As you are all well aware, I am a proud member of AmeriCorps and I believe in the importance and strength that serving has for not only individuals, but for their communities, country, and ultimately the world as a whole. Now, I might be optimistic, but I genuinely feel like serving has a huge impact on a person. It impacts how they interact with other people, who they interact with, and how they interpret situations in the world. I certainly am not alone in this thinking and I certainly did not pioneer this thinking. As you can see from my quote above, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. too felt that serving your country can change a person and make them great in some way. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was not only an advocate for service- as we all know. 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. 

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that” 

–Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Dr. King taught an invaluable lesson about tolerance for others, about driving out hate, not with hate but with respect and dignity of others. When you give and you serve in your local community, you can see this change and this tolerance happening little by little. You cannot look at your community and think, “this place is a dump” and expect the next time you drive down that street for it to look any different if you do not do something about it. Of course, I realize that in the quote above, Dr. King was not explicitly talking about service- in fact, he was talking about tolerance of race, but for the purpose of keeping this post focused on service and on my experience this past MLK Day, I will not go down that road. From my experience over the past eight months living and serving in Sacramento, surrounded by many other people doing the same, reading Facebook status’ about their service in other states, I know the community can be changed with a positive and “work hard” attitude.

But, I am not writing tonight about the importance of service, nor am I writing about Dr. King’s life’s work because 1. We all know how I feel about service and 2. I think that everyone is aware of Dr. King and what he stood for. Instead, I wanted to highlight a few quotes in between telling you all what I did for my community this past MLK Day.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is ‘What are you doing for others?’”

–Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

This is my favorite sign in all of Sacramento

AmeriCorps members from coast to coast are urged to take part in a national day of service every MLK Day. They say “Make MLK Day a day on, not a day off.” And I genuinely think it’s a great philosophy. I reached out to a local VISTA member in the area to see if she knew of any events happening that I could join and sure enough, she did. I found out that I would be leading a group of volunteers at an elementary school in Folsom, CA doing some yard clean up and other tasks around the school. At 7:30am on Monday morning, myself and 4 other VISTAs arrived at our project site ready to work. As you all know, most of my job takes place behind a desk, working to build partnerships, so whenever I get the chance to get my hands dirty I am jumping with joy. There were five different tasks that we could pick between: painting a mural on the gardening shed, painting the ball wall, painting/ refreshing the painted lines outside of classrooms, organizing and sanitizing kindergarten classrooms, and creating a pathway using pavers outside of the kindergarten classrooms. Naturally, I chose the pathway.

It was a chilly morning in Folsom, about 45-50 degrees and overcast skies, but I was still ready to work. The team I was “leading” consisted of 2 ladies and 5 men, all who worked for Kaiser Permanente and who all had done a job just like this one for years past. Needless to say, they ended up leading me.

In order to install the walkway, we first had to dig a trench 2 feet wide by 4 inches deep. We moved a bunch of dirt from the trench to a nearby tree base using a wheelbarrow. This was very exciting for me. I honestly felt like a CCC corpsmember working hard out on the grade. It was awesome. To dig the trench out completely took us about 45 minutes. The walkway in total was going to be 37 feet long, but it had to turn at one point, so for our “engineers” (not me) it turned into a bit of a challenge. In the end we got the pathway mapped out and we continued working.

The ground before we had dug out all the dirt

After we finished digging out the right amount of dirt, accidentally hitting a few blocks of cement, and emptying the wheelbarrow a dozen times, it was time to tamp down the dirt so we could start laying the weed blocker, boards, and ultimately sand and pavers. I helped a few of the guys with the tamping until we had eventually leveled out the dirt as much as necessary. A few of the places we had dug needed to be filled in again, so we grabbed some of the dirt we had shoveled and tamped it back down. It was some tough work, considering the tamper itself weights about 20 pounds.

The ground after we tamped it down. Tamper tool is on the right

Now that we had made the dirt nice and even, we laid down some weed guard to make sure the weeds didn’t disturb the nice walkway we were going to put in. Then, we put some bender boards along the side of the trench that was not against concrete, so that the sand and the pavers we were installing stayed in place. We used wood stakes to hold the board in place and then drilled the stakes to the boards once we knew they were 2 feet apart. After the boards were set in place, we filled the trench in with sand. I lifted about 10 50lbs sandbags today. I know my shoulders are going to be sore. So, we filled the trench in with the sandbags and then we had to level the sand out and then we had to tamp it down again. This whole process took about another 2 hours. I am telling you, it was hard work!

The walkway when we finished!

Finally, it was time to lay down the pavers. We worked together as a team to keep the sand full, keep it pressed firmly down, lay down the pavers themselves, level them out, and then fill in the cracks with more sand. I was so impressed with how much work we were able to get down in such a short period of time. Unfortunately, I had to leave the project early (well, actually later than I was scheduled for, but earlier than it was finished) and didn’t get to see the full finished product, but I did get some pictures of the process.

Working with people in my community, seeing my hard work in front of me, and knowing that I was improving the lives of others- that is what I think volunteering is all about. This project might not have been a perfect representation of what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wanted from us, but I did do something for people other than myself, and that is something I think he would be proud of. Just remember: you can be great because you can serve and every day you have an opportunity to make yourself, your community, and this world a better place for everyone.

The Existential Crisis of December 2014

I would say that about every three months I have some sort of great breakthrough in personal development. I have this sudden epiphany of my true existence and just what I meant to do with my life. Sometimes this experience extends from reading through job applications, sometimes it is after listening to Needtobreathe for too many hours on end (just kidding, there is no such thing as too much Needtobreathe), and sometimes it comes from exploring somewhere new and exciting. You will recall less than three months ago I had yet another epiphany while staring at the stars in Yosemite that I wanted to be work in parks or at least find a career that allowed me exposure to the great outdoors. Ah yes, a revelation in the world of Lisa… But not all of these inner findings are as positive or as immediately attainable as others. Hence the title existential crisis.

There are moments in life that change how we think; change our morals or beliefs; change how we dress or style our hair. These moments happen in high school, in college, in post-graduate life; they happen to everyone and they happen at all different phases of our lives, some have these moments more than others. For example, I went to training in April for my current VISTA position and learned facts and heard stories about homelessness and how people end up in their situations, and it changed my view of poverty in this country.

Donuts from Portland's Voodoo Donuts

The point I am trying to get to is that I am having a moment of self- reflection and growth. Over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I jumped into a car with one of my coworkers, Katie, and her husband, Paul, and headed up I-5 northbound towards Portland, OR. I had this very freeing feeling the whole drive up. It’s not because I had a stressful 2.5 days at work and was finally out of the office. I think the feeling came from not having a secured plan in Portland. Sure I had a friend I was going to stay with, but we hadn’t fully planned anything out, like where she lived or when I could go over. Anyone who knows me, knows that I like to have a strict agenda and I mean strict agendas. I sometimes make plans for Saturdays and include the times of when errands will end. It’s insane, but at least I recognize that. That is why it was such a good feeling to fly by the seat of my pants once I arrived in Portland and that’s exactly what I did. But how does this fit in with my “crisis”?

The problem lies in this: I LOVE PORTLAND. The city was so cool. The people were friendly. The coffee was great, the beer was the best, and the rain really was that bad. But here is the thing- Portland made me realize that I have no idea who I want to be.

Sometimes, I want to be “Taylor Swift Loving Lisa” and wear cute sundresses and have long hair and play guitar and have a job in the media industry that gives me enough money to support my addiction errr my Taylor Swift supportiveness. Have an apartment that’s decorated with floral designs and learn to bake cookies from scratch. Wear oxford shoes when I walk to my hip job where I work as a social media specialist and my employer doesn’t believe in cubicles, so the office is an “open concept” design.

Portland as seen from the Pittock Mansion

Sometimes I want to be “Hipster Lisa” and have a record collection and wear denim jackets and skinny jeans and like, shave half of my head because that’s the cool thing to do and work at a coffee shop or Whole Foods where I make minimum wage, but it’s enough to pay for the next tattoo I want to get. I want to listen to hipster, electronic music and drink a lot of craft beer and wear beanies. And wake up on Saturdays and ride a bike to work and drink my coffee black (no, I wouldn’t do that, I’d still need some milk in it, but you get the point) and wear glasses and live in the city.

Sometimes I want to be “Outdoorsy Lisa” and go hiking a lot and wear bandanas and work for the National Park Service or Forest Service and do a lot of volunteering at local parks. I want to know all about trail building and different kinds of trees and go to redwood forests and camp. I want to hike part of the Appalachian Trail or the Oregon Trail. I want to know what it’s like to use a chainsaw or not shower for weeks on end and wake up surrounded by the wilderness and live in a tiny house.

Sometimes I want to be “Super Successful Lisa” and not have to worry about what job I’m going to take next because I have a career that lasts longer than one year. I want to save money and pay off my student loans and find somewhere to live with a yard so I can get a dog or live in a city loft that has hardwood floors and I can design my own kitchen. I want to wear pencil skirts that I buy new and not from thrift stores. I want to hold a position where it’s hard for other people to schedule meetings with me because I’m so busy or that I am always scheduling meetings because I have a lot of great ideas. Sometimes I want to be the person participating in an informational interview, not interviewing someone successful.

But, most of the time, I have no idea what I want and who I want to be. Or, I know exactly who I want to be and it’s a combination of all those things. I wear denim jackets and listen to Taylor Swift on my way to volunteer at a local park. I like to think that this is exactly what your early/ mid 20s are for- figuring out what you want to do. I think my trip to Portland was so eye opening because it showed me all the possible “people” I could be, but still be me. It also made me realize that maybe I’m not doing so bad with my life choices because I’m definitely not alone in my decisions. So many of my “Ameri-friends” are in the same boat as me. Joining FEMA Corps last year was one of those moments in my life that changed how I thought and what I find important. And that has proven to be true through these past 6 months at the CCC. And it’s all good. Not every epiphany or breakthrough in personal development has to completely change your life, it is just good to recognize that these discovers have impacted you in some way.

Famous tagline of Ripcity

Basically what I’m saying is that I feel like I have so many identities in one person and that sometimes it stresses me out to try to pick one identity to fall into, but that doesn’t have to happen. Who says you have to pick one category to get placed in? Who says you can only let some years of your life impact the way you view the world? Shouldn’t those events and experiences that you’ve had just build onto one another and shape you into who you are? That’s how it is and I need to stop thinking so much. I need to stop feeling like I have no idea who I want to be- because I’m already me and that’s not a bad thing.

The Art of Independence

Between the months of June, July, and the end October through November I have learned something that I never anticipated learning before. The true art of being independent. Who knew that so much time could be spent by yourself doing activities and not be totally isolating or depressing? Certainly not me. I had always thought that going to a movie, doing home craft projects, or even simple tasks such as trips to Walmart could be intimidating to do on your own. However, I have learned that being independent in a city that’s flourishing with things to do, is maybe not the worst thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong- I miss Dana a lot and I am not, by any means, saying that life on my own is superior to life when we are together.

Each Saturday, I wake up with the thought, “what the heck am I going to do all day?” Some days I do sit around and do nothing and mope and think about all the great things we would be doing if Dana were around. But, I cannot do that constantly. If I did, I would weigh 300 pounds and have memorized every episode of How I Met Your Mother (more so than I already have). So, instead I start my Saturdays asking that question and then finding fun things (or mundane tasks, really) to do. Sometimes I go for long walks around the city in search of the best thrift store. Sometimes, I run errands and go to the farmers market and come home and cook something great with my fresh veggies. Sometimes (one time) I go to see The Fault In Our Stars on my own and realize it was the best way to see it because no one should be seen ugly crying over terminally ill teenagers at 2:30 pm.

I learn from each Saturday alone that there is virtue in independence- an art, really. I have got to really know myself- and I have annoyed myself with how much I talk. For years I have recited the mantra “You can do anything if you do it with confidence” to my friends to inspire them. I have said, “You can totally wear those bright purple pants, as long as you do it confidently!” But, have I ever taken my own advice? I certainly hadn’t taken it so seriously until this year. I can do a lot of things independently, if I do them confidently. I can go to my favorite coffee shop with my laptop and a book and stay for hours on my own, with no one to talk to, because I do it with a big smile on my face. I talk to people at Target who are eyeing up Taylor Swift’s new album They don’t think I’m weird because I’m alone- no, they think I’m weird because I have a shirt that says “Taylor Swift or Die” and wearing bright red Keds sneakers with little cats on them and now that I've initiated conversation they can’t get away and I won’t stop talking about “HOW AMAZING TAYLOR SWIFT IS OMG!!” I digress- the point here is that I have finally figured out the art and it’s really not as bad as I thought.

To be quite honest, I find that since I spend time on my own these days, I sort of crave that (to steal a phrase from my BFF, Jenna) “Me Time.” Of course lazy Sunday mornings are best spent with Dana by my side and I much prefer making a half pot of coffee instead of just a single cups worth. And I rather always have someone to get Bloody Mary’s with at the bar because the Patriots (or Packers) are playing at 10am over here and they’re only on the NFL Network, which we don’t get. But, there are times when the constant feelings of someone around becomes a little overwhelming for my new mindset. There are times when I need that walk through the city alone with my headphones on, zoning out to Needtobreathe (or more likely, Taylor, let’s be serious) and reflecting on what I like about the city or what kind of root vegetable I’m going to make for dinner.

I suppose that I've learn a lot about myself from these independent streaks. I volunteer more, I cook more, I spend less money. If there is one thing I've learned about the art of independence, it’s that it’s good to be independent, but it’s not good to feel alone. I can still be independent and engage in these activities that I enjoy when Dana is at home, but being able to get back to the apartment and have someone that I care about waiting for me- that is the best.

Love Live the Heart, Long Live the Soul That Knows What it Wants

**Disclaimer:  I did use a Needtobreathe lyric as the title, which means that you should probably listen to this song while reading**

I’m always doing this- not blogging for a while and then having some eye opening, enlightening moment of self-reflection, realization, and actualization. It’s probably because I've never thought about the person I really truly am until about a year or so ago. I spent my high school years confused about life and too busy with after school sports, work, and trying (but failing) to be popular that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted from life or the world. I graduated high school at an average level and went on to college where I thought I had “discovered” myself. I was going to do something in athletic training. No, wait, I was going to do something in politics- like become a Senator. No, no, no, I graduated with this great idea to become a Social Media expert for a political campaign. Yeah! That’s it! That’s what I’m going to do… Oh wait, you need years and years of experience to do that.  Graduation hits everyone like a ton of bricks and I had no clue what the next steps would be. (Secret: even most people who “have a plan” have literally no idea what they’re actually doing.) I found AmeriCorps and challenged myself more than ever before and “found myself”??? I guess so… I mean, I found that I love service and I enjoy being around like-minded people, but do I really know who I am?

No.

Does anyone?

More than likely not.

Isn't that the point of this great long journey of life? That we are constantly learning new things about ourselves and about the ever changing world around us? Jeez- look at me go. I’m being one of those super annoying people who is always thinking and talking about the great questions of life and existentialism. LAME.

Vernal Falls

But in all seriousness. Aren't we always learning new things and desiring to learn new things? For example, a month ago did I know that I could hike uphill for 3 hours with a backpack in the blazing sun of Yosemite? I assumed I could do it, but I never had before. I never tried, I never pushed myself. Did I know that once I got to the top- when I almost quit three times before- that I would have such a feeling of accomplishment and know that I loved every second of that hike? I had no idea. I didn't know that last week would put me in yet another new

mindset. How could I know that? I had never done those things before, but I was learning. Learning about Yosemite, learning about the Backcountry Trails program, but mostly learning about myself. And I can’t stop thinking about those three nights spent in such an incredible place. A place where there were more stars than I had seen in a long time. A place with one sink and no shower. A place where I basically slept on the hard ground, but couldn't enjoy it anymore.

And a place that taught me just a lot about what I want in life and what I hope this year will provide for me. Going back into the office after three days at Yosemite was tough, but it allowed me to take steps in the right direction. After that trip, I have a drive to talk, network, and connect with people in the jobs that I soon hope to have. I want that National Parks uniform. I want to wake up every morning and know that I will see beautiful blue sky, lush green trees, and perfectly carved trails for the next 8 hours. And I am in the perfect place to learn all of the steps I need to take to get me in that position.

What taught me more about myself than any massive slab of natural granite or outdoor wilderness ever could were the Backcountry corpsmembers.

Stanislaus 2014 Crew doing Debriefing

These young adults, from all over the US, ages 18-25 had taken 5 months out of their lives to hike into the backcountry (about 14 miles in, to be exact) of several California parks and build trails, remove invasive plant species, or any other hard work they were assigned.
They had limited running water, no interaction with people outside of their crews (other than hand written letters from friends and family), and not much for recreational activities other than well, more hiking. They were able to get mail every other week and supplies were brought in by mules or dropped down by a helicopter.


On Tuesday, September 23, I attended a Backcountry Crew Debriefing session, where the crews would get on a stage and discuss what they had done in their 5 months- the projects they worked on, the sponsors they had, the challenges they faced, and the success they had. Even after 5 months of incredibly hard work, dirt, sweat, (I’m assuming blood and tears sometimes, too) I have never seen people more happy with what they were doing. These corpsmembers could have talked about building trails all day long and not get bored. They were exhausted, but they were full of passion. They smelled so bad, but they would not stop hugging each other and congratulating each other. They were incredible and such an inspiration.

And that is exactly what they taught me about myself. If I loved being in that environment- the fresh air and outdoors, surrounded by people in uniforms who are committed to service- then that is what I need to keep doing. And I need to keep pushing myself, challenging myself to look deeper and figure out who I am. Or maybe not- maybe just keep learning about who I am.

Half Dome at sunset as seen from Glacier Point