The Existential Crisis of December 2014

I would say that about every three months I have some sort of great breakthrough in personal development. I have this sudden epiphany of my true existence and just what I meant to do with my life. Sometimes this experience extends from reading through job applications, sometimes it is after listening to Needtobreathe for too many hours on end (just kidding, there is no such thing as too much Needtobreathe), and sometimes it comes from exploring somewhere new and exciting. You will recall less than three months ago I had yet another epiphany while staring at the stars in Yosemite that I wanted to be work in parks or at least find a career that allowed me exposure to the great outdoors. Ah yes, a revelation in the world of Lisa… But not all of these inner findings are as positive or as immediately attainable as others. Hence the title existential crisis.

There are moments in life that change how we think; change our morals or beliefs; change how we dress or style our hair. These moments happen in high school, in college, in post-graduate life; they happen to everyone and they happen at all different phases of our lives, some have these moments more than others. For example, I went to training in April for my current VISTA position and learned facts and heard stories about homelessness and how people end up in their situations, and it changed my view of poverty in this country.

Donuts from Portland's Voodoo Donuts

The point I am trying to get to is that I am having a moment of self- reflection and growth. Over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I jumped into a car with one of my coworkers, Katie, and her husband, Paul, and headed up I-5 northbound towards Portland, OR. I had this very freeing feeling the whole drive up. It’s not because I had a stressful 2.5 days at work and was finally out of the office. I think the feeling came from not having a secured plan in Portland. Sure I had a friend I was going to stay with, but we hadn’t fully planned anything out, like where she lived or when I could go over. Anyone who knows me, knows that I like to have a strict agenda and I mean strict agendas. I sometimes make plans for Saturdays and include the times of when errands will end. It’s insane, but at least I recognize that. That is why it was such a good feeling to fly by the seat of my pants once I arrived in Portland and that’s exactly what I did. But how does this fit in with my “crisis”?

The problem lies in this: I LOVE PORTLAND. The city was so cool. The people were friendly. The coffee was great, the beer was the best, and the rain really was that bad. But here is the thing- Portland made me realize that I have no idea who I want to be.

Sometimes, I want to be “Taylor Swift Loving Lisa” and wear cute sundresses and have long hair and play guitar and have a job in the media industry that gives me enough money to support my addiction errr my Taylor Swift supportiveness. Have an apartment that’s decorated with floral designs and learn to bake cookies from scratch. Wear oxford shoes when I walk to my hip job where I work as a social media specialist and my employer doesn’t believe in cubicles, so the office is an “open concept” design.

Portland as seen from the Pittock Mansion

Sometimes I want to be “Hipster Lisa” and have a record collection and wear denim jackets and skinny jeans and like, shave half of my head because that’s the cool thing to do and work at a coffee shop or Whole Foods where I make minimum wage, but it’s enough to pay for the next tattoo I want to get. I want to listen to hipster, electronic music and drink a lot of craft beer and wear beanies. And wake up on Saturdays and ride a bike to work and drink my coffee black (no, I wouldn’t do that, I’d still need some milk in it, but you get the point) and wear glasses and live in the city.

Sometimes I want to be “Outdoorsy Lisa” and go hiking a lot and wear bandanas and work for the National Park Service or Forest Service and do a lot of volunteering at local parks. I want to know all about trail building and different kinds of trees and go to redwood forests and camp. I want to hike part of the Appalachian Trail or the Oregon Trail. I want to know what it’s like to use a chainsaw or not shower for weeks on end and wake up surrounded by the wilderness and live in a tiny house.

Sometimes I want to be “Super Successful Lisa” and not have to worry about what job I’m going to take next because I have a career that lasts longer than one year. I want to save money and pay off my student loans and find somewhere to live with a yard so I can get a dog or live in a city loft that has hardwood floors and I can design my own kitchen. I want to wear pencil skirts that I buy new and not from thrift stores. I want to hold a position where it’s hard for other people to schedule meetings with me because I’m so busy or that I am always scheduling meetings because I have a lot of great ideas. Sometimes I want to be the person participating in an informational interview, not interviewing someone successful.

But, most of the time, I have no idea what I want and who I want to be. Or, I know exactly who I want to be and it’s a combination of all those things. I wear denim jackets and listen to Taylor Swift on my way to volunteer at a local park. I like to think that this is exactly what your early/ mid 20s are for- figuring out what you want to do. I think my trip to Portland was so eye opening because it showed me all the possible “people” I could be, but still be me. It also made me realize that maybe I’m not doing so bad with my life choices because I’m definitely not alone in my decisions. So many of my “Ameri-friends” are in the same boat as me. Joining FEMA Corps last year was one of those moments in my life that changed how I thought and what I find important. And that has proven to be true through these past 6 months at the CCC. And it’s all good. Not every epiphany or breakthrough in personal development has to completely change your life, it is just good to recognize that these discovers have impacted you in some way.

Famous tagline of Ripcity

Basically what I’m saying is that I feel like I have so many identities in one person and that sometimes it stresses me out to try to pick one identity to fall into, but that doesn’t have to happen. Who says you have to pick one category to get placed in? Who says you can only let some years of your life impact the way you view the world? Shouldn’t those events and experiences that you’ve had just build onto one another and shape you into who you are? That’s how it is and I need to stop thinking so much. I need to stop feeling like I have no idea who I want to be- because I’m already me and that’s not a bad thing.

The Art of Independence

Between the months of June, July, and the end October through November I have learned something that I never anticipated learning before. The true art of being independent. Who knew that so much time could be spent by yourself doing activities and not be totally isolating or depressing? Certainly not me. I had always thought that going to a movie, doing home craft projects, or even simple tasks such as trips to Walmart could be intimidating to do on your own. However, I have learned that being independent in a city that’s flourishing with things to do, is maybe not the worst thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong- I miss Dana a lot and I am not, by any means, saying that life on my own is superior to life when we are together.

Each Saturday, I wake up with the thought, “what the heck am I going to do all day?” Some days I do sit around and do nothing and mope and think about all the great things we would be doing if Dana were around. But, I cannot do that constantly. If I did, I would weigh 300 pounds and have memorized every episode of How I Met Your Mother (more so than I already have). So, instead I start my Saturdays asking that question and then finding fun things (or mundane tasks, really) to do. Sometimes I go for long walks around the city in search of the best thrift store. Sometimes, I run errands and go to the farmers market and come home and cook something great with my fresh veggies. Sometimes (one time) I go to see The Fault In Our Stars on my own and realize it was the best way to see it because no one should be seen ugly crying over terminally ill teenagers at 2:30 pm.

I learn from each Saturday alone that there is virtue in independence- an art, really. I have got to really know myself- and I have annoyed myself with how much I talk. For years I have recited the mantra “You can do anything if you do it with confidence” to my friends to inspire them. I have said, “You can totally wear those bright purple pants, as long as you do it confidently!” But, have I ever taken my own advice? I certainly hadn’t taken it so seriously until this year. I can do a lot of things independently, if I do them confidently. I can go to my favorite coffee shop with my laptop and a book and stay for hours on my own, with no one to talk to, because I do it with a big smile on my face. I talk to people at Target who are eyeing up Taylor Swift’s new album They don’t think I’m weird because I’m alone- no, they think I’m weird because I have a shirt that says “Taylor Swift or Die” and wearing bright red Keds sneakers with little cats on them and now that I've initiated conversation they can’t get away and I won’t stop talking about “HOW AMAZING TAYLOR SWIFT IS OMG!!” I digress- the point here is that I have finally figured out the art and it’s really not as bad as I thought.

To be quite honest, I find that since I spend time on my own these days, I sort of crave that (to steal a phrase from my BFF, Jenna) “Me Time.” Of course lazy Sunday mornings are best spent with Dana by my side and I much prefer making a half pot of coffee instead of just a single cups worth. And I rather always have someone to get Bloody Mary’s with at the bar because the Patriots (or Packers) are playing at 10am over here and they’re only on the NFL Network, which we don’t get. But, there are times when the constant feelings of someone around becomes a little overwhelming for my new mindset. There are times when I need that walk through the city alone with my headphones on, zoning out to Needtobreathe (or more likely, Taylor, let’s be serious) and reflecting on what I like about the city or what kind of root vegetable I’m going to make for dinner.

I suppose that I've learn a lot about myself from these independent streaks. I volunteer more, I cook more, I spend less money. If there is one thing I've learned about the art of independence, it’s that it’s good to be independent, but it’s not good to feel alone. I can still be independent and engage in these activities that I enjoy when Dana is at home, but being able to get back to the apartment and have someone that I care about waiting for me- that is the best.