I would say that about every three months I have some sort
of great breakthrough in personal development. I have this sudden epiphany of
my true existence and just what I meant to do with my life. Sometimes this
experience extends from reading through job applications, sometimes it is after
listening to Needtobreathe for too many hours on end (just kidding, there is no
such thing as too much Needtobreathe), and sometimes it comes from exploring
somewhere new and exciting. You will recall less than three months ago I had
yet another epiphany while staring at the stars in Yosemite that I wanted to be
work in parks or at least find a career that allowed me exposure to the great
outdoors. Ah yes, a revelation in the world of Lisa… But not all of these inner
findings are as positive or as immediately attainable as others. Hence the
title existential crisis.
There are moments in life that change how we think; change
our morals or beliefs; change how we dress or style our hair. These moments
happen in high school, in college, in post-graduate life; they happen to
everyone and they happen at all different phases of our lives, some have these
moments more than others. For example, I went to training in April for my
current VISTA position and learned facts and heard stories about homelessness and
how people end up in their situations, and it changed my view of poverty in
this country.
Donuts from Portland's Voodoo Donuts |
The problem lies in this: I LOVE PORTLAND. The city was so
cool. The people were friendly. The coffee was great, the beer was the best,
and the rain really was that bad. But here is the thing- Portland made me
realize that I have no idea who I want to be.
Sometimes, I want to be “Taylor Swift Loving Lisa” and wear
cute sundresses and have long hair and play guitar and have a job in the media
industry that gives me enough money to support my addiction errr my Taylor
Swift supportiveness. Have an apartment that’s decorated with floral designs
and learn to bake cookies from scratch. Wear oxford shoes when I walk to my hip
job where I work as a social media specialist and my employer doesn’t believe
in cubicles, so the office is an “open concept” design.
Sometimes I want to be “Hipster Lisa” and have a record
collection and wear denim jackets and skinny jeans and like, shave half of my
head because that’s the cool thing to do and work at a coffee shop or Whole
Foods where I make minimum wage, but it’s enough to pay for the next tattoo I
want to get. I want to listen to hipster, electronic music and drink a lot of craft
beer and wear beanies. And wake up on Saturdays and ride a bike to work and
drink my coffee black (no, I wouldn’t do that, I’d still need some milk in it,
but you get the point) and wear glasses and live in the city.
Sometimes I want to be “Outdoorsy Lisa” and go hiking a lot
and wear bandanas and work for the National Park Service or Forest Service and
do a lot of volunteering at local parks. I want to know all about trail
building and different kinds of trees and go to redwood forests and camp. I
want to hike part of the Appalachian Trail or the Oregon Trail. I want to know
what it’s like to use a chainsaw or not shower for weeks on end and wake up
surrounded by the wilderness and live in a tiny house.
Sometimes I want to be “Super Successful Lisa” and not have
to worry about what job I’m going to take next because I have a career that
lasts longer than one year. I want to save money and pay off my student loans
and find somewhere to live with a yard so I can get a dog or live in a city
loft that has hardwood floors and I can design my own kitchen. I want to wear
pencil skirts that I buy new and not from thrift stores. I want to hold a
position where it’s hard for other people to schedule meetings with me because
I’m so busy or that I am always scheduling meetings because I have a lot of
great ideas. Sometimes I want to be the person participating in an
informational interview, not interviewing someone successful.
But, most of the time, I have no idea what I want and who I
want to be. Or, I know exactly who I want to be and it’s a combination of all
those things. I wear denim jackets and listen to Taylor Swift on my way to
volunteer at a local park. I like to think that this is exactly what your
early/ mid 20s are for- figuring out what you want to do. I think my trip to
Portland was so eye opening because it showed me all the possible “people” I
could be, but still be me. It also made me realize that maybe I’m not doing so
bad with my life choices because I’m definitely not alone in my decisions. So
many of my “Ameri-friends” are in the same boat as me. Joining FEMA Corps last
year was one of those moments in my life that changed how I thought and what I
find important. And that has proven to be true through these past 6 months at
the CCC. And it’s all good. Not every epiphany or breakthrough in personal
development has to completely change your life, it is just good to recognize
that these discovers have impacted you in some way.
Basically what I’m saying is that I feel like I have so many
identities in one person and that sometimes it stresses me out to try to pick
one identity to fall into, but that doesn’t have to happen. Who says you have
to pick one category to get placed in? Who says you can only let some years of
your life impact the way you view the world? Shouldn’t those events and
experiences that you’ve had just build onto one another and shape you into who
you are? That’s how it is and I need to stop thinking so much. I need to stop
feeling like I have no idea who I want to be- because I’m already me and that’s
not a bad thing.